The Journey Begins

Personal Empowerment

How learning to love myself changed my life By Sabrina Plata

People are always looking for the quickest way to improve their lives and yet nothing really seems to stick or really make a difference. Thats because they are looking outside of themselves for an answer that they can find within themselves. Everything that comes into your life is a reflection of your self, how you think, what you do, how you make decisions. All experiences you have endured have shaped you into the person you are today. It has altered your perception to think a certain way, do certain things, have certain believes and habits. You are the only one that understand you. So you have to allow yourself to get to know yourself. From what I learned this past year, I never knew myself and I was living in a state of depression and anxiety. I was living a life in black and white. I felt useless, stupid and incompetent. I felt like I knew nothing, had no potential, no direction and no motive. I wanted so badly to just figure it out and and I tried all sorts of things however nothing stuck. I was lost.

I let all the weight of my childhood and life altering experiences weigh me down and torment me. I let myself to believe I was worthless because someone that should have been a parent to me used to say that to me. Bring me down. Peel off the layers of my happy child like state to a small broken hearted lost soul. I let all the bad stuff in and let it take control of my life. I did not grow up with a strong female energy. I did not have a relationship with either of my mothers growing up. I felt alone. My brothers were my rock and when they left I felt even more alone in the world. My family is very dysfunctional however things are better now but they weren’t great in the past. I’m not going to go into full detail about my childhood because that a story better saved for its own separate piece. However I will tell you it made me weak but also made me very strong. I focused on the weak, thats what broke me.

These past few years have been my soul searching years. After high school I moved to California to live with my mom and step dad. Spent 3 years with them and in that time made 3 really close friends. We had our troubles and it may have seemed like a rocky start however we are stronger then ever now. I had a lot of wild experiences between the ages 18 and 20. I went to a lot of music festivals and partied all the time. I did not care, I was free. I let myself go, did everything and anything. I never had the freedom to go fly but then I did so I took advantage of that.

Me and Kris had wild times during this period of our lives.
One of the life long friends I have endured. ILY Kris!

It was definitely a big learning experience yet I was still trying to make myself feel better in the wrong way. We are always looking for things outside ourselves to make us “happy”. Maybe it was good that I went a little wild but the reason was not. I was trying to fill a void, I was trying to take control because I’ve been controlled my whole life. I began to spin out. I fell hard, what am I doing? What am I meant to do? Nothing was adding up. Everything seemed like it was falling apart. I did not enjoy the fun any more. I felt like I was being reckless and that made me feel horrible about myself. I got in fights with my friends and eventually cut myself off from them. But I knew they were not the problem. It was me, and my internal issues that I just ignored. Ignored them and didn’t care. I wanted to be free and I was, but I really was not because I was binned by the troubles of my mind.

Furthermore, it was time for my first summer of drum corps, I joined a group called Santa Clara Vanguard Cadets. It was a open class team however we were in the top of our class. During that time I met a boy and we started dating and he was all about business and bettering yourself. That influenced me to start reading business books, self help books and even pushed me to go to seminars for further expansion. I was hooked, I wanted to be better and felt I found the answer. However then again I didn’t, I just threw myself in and thought it was the answer. I did not think I was good enough to full fill that dream. It was a “you help me make money, and I’ll help you” kind of thing. I was young and thought I was going to be a millionaire. It was all about talking to people and just communicating. I didn’t trust myself and so I failed without really trying. I thought my life would change, however still lost motivation.

I moved on and went about my life. Eventually I thought to myself maybe if I move to Reno I would feel like I belong. I’ve always wanted to go back to Reno since I moved away when I was 15. I lived there for 7 years before hand, and been gone for 7 years now however I did spend 6 months there during this time. My life long friend and her family live there and my boyfriend at the time as well. It felt right in the moment. However it made things worse for me and my boyfriend and I tried so hard to be the person he wanted. I felt small around him, weak and unimportant. I thought it was because I have all these issues that needed fixing. I never took into account that it could be the fact that he also has insecurities and his own personal issues. I constantly tried to make him happy whether it was always paying for him or me trying to make my self someone he could love. Always held back, I never let myself be because I felt like he was ashamed of me. I hated my self and that ruined us. I let my internal emotions shed onto him. He felt like he couldn’t just be either because of the constant worry of me. We were very toxic and it was a endless cycle. Later I realized what they really meant when they say “you can’t love another without loving yourself first”; My ex and I did not love ourselves individually so we never really loved each other together.

The best part about going back to Reno for 6 months was being able to spend time with my best friend of 12 years! Love you Britt!

By this time it was the new year, 2018. I spent it alone at a view watching the fireworks. In that time a made a vow to myself that this new years is all about me. To love my self first. I did not truly knew what that meant at the time, but I strived for it. I got into mediation and working on controlling my anxiety by finding the true source. I was done being pushed around, done feeling small and weak. “No more!” I said to myself. It did make me a little selfish at the time but that is totally okay. Sometimes you need to be selfish in order to be selfless later. I did things I wanted however still felt restricted because of my current relationship. That was also me not fully allowing myself to be me, I did not know how. My whole life I was told to be better, be someone else, be a better person, a better daughter, a better student, a better girlfriend. Who is supposed to teach you that? I wasn’t loving myself fully yet, could not because I didn’t understand it. I was still stuck in the toxic habits of my relationship. There was no way for me to go forward. Part of me knew deep down that him and I would have to end but hated the thought. I was so deeply in love it blinded me. Such a cliche but love really is blinding.

The beginning of the year was hard for me. My ex and I were brittle. He was harsh toward me. I was a mess. I was going through all these emotions that I didn’t realized I have felt. I did not realize how hurt he was making me feel. I went on a trip with my best friend and a few others to Disney land. When I was leaving my ex didn’t even look at me nor say goodbye or even a kiss. I was distraught, all I wanted from him was love. It was like he didn’t know how nor want to learn. He acted so cold and distant. However still I tried but it did not matter, we were fighting and nothing I did could make him open up to me. Whatever I did was never enough. I ended up missing the first Disney day because I was physically sick. I threw up and was sick to my stomach. I had no idea what was going on. Later I realized it was all the anxiety and hurt that my relationship was causing. I felt as though we were ending and all the hard work and sacrifice I endured did not matter and was a waste. I felt taken advantage of, felt like our whole relationship was a lie. As I was trying to fix us he was off talking to his ex and totally dismissing me. I realized then in that moment that something needed to change drastically. I shall never let my self get that sick again over someone that does not deserve it.

After that I went on with a broken heart. I felt out of place, was confused, was there any love in the first place? It was time for me to heal. Mend my broken pieces. I focused on me. Meditation was in my daily practice, sometimes multiple times a day. I walked to the park everyday and laid on a blanket in the grass. Something about the sun on my skin, the smell of the grass and the sounds of the trees and birds really put me in a peaceful state of mind. I started to do yoga there and my daily studies such as my reading and writing. That was the true beginning, when I took my self healing seriously. It was time to release and replenish. I always used to write and read but not as consistently and disciplined the way I did then and even still now. I sat with my thoughts and I wrote it all down. I was a free flowing river of sadness at the time. Then one spontaneous night I was with a friend and I tried psychedelics for the first time, only half a tab but that was still enough. I know what you might think… crazy! Oh but quite the contrary! I learned so much about my self and life in those eight hours with that one friend. We talked constantly about relationships, self growth and personal struggles. I felt connected to my divine grace and had a beautiful eye opening awakening. It helped me with my relationship and I even grew a huge appreciation for people and myself! After that it was a whole new ball game. I dove even deeper in my personal growth journey and started sharing about it too.

A couple months later my best friend was leaving for the summer to go to India! My boyfriend was leaving as well for his third year of drum corps. I only did 2 years, I never felt welcome by my team but then again that was my own internal feeling I was putting on others. I just didn’t feel welcome around females because I never had a strong female energy. It was foreign to me. Anyhow I decided to move back with my mom in Fresno to save money. I was going through a lot in that time, a month later my boyfriend and I broke up. I was absolutely heartbroken. I was living a new place as well unsure what to do next or where to go next. I never thought of making Fresno a home. I thought I would be here for only a few months. I had no one but my mom and we didn’t have the easiest relationship. Most of her family lives here as well however I never felt comfortable with them. I never knew them growing up except the occasional visits with my mom when we used to have visitations. My mom wanted so badly for me to engage with them but why would you expect someone to be fully loving and comfortable with strangers? Yes they are my family but they were never there for me growing up. Never heard from them, no Christmas or birthday cards, I rarely seen them throughout my life. Don’t you see how that can feel weird? Why should I put my self out there for a family that was never around? Maybe its not their fault, maybe my dad never let me get to know them and I was cheated. But I moved in with my mom after high school. They could have started then but didn’t. That shows, it wasn’t just my dad or me it was also them. So why expect that? It was hard to deal with because my mom thought I hated them when in reality she refused to understand my perspective. I needed to clear my head. Books have always been a good way to do that. I then started to read a book called Emotional Detox by Sheriana Boyle, it went into the seven steps to release toxicity and energize joy. I went through the seven steps this past summer 2018.

Here is her book, that saved me in a way. totally shifted my perception.

I would get up every morning early before it got really hot. It started to get hot around 10 so I had to be home by then because the heat was miserable. Anyway I would walk to the park by my house and sit under this hummingbird tree, it was still early morning so I got to watch the humming birds and just sit with my thoughts. Did my daily yoga practice and meditation shortly followed by my reading and self reflection time. I dove into this book and into my heart. I opened doors I didn’t even know were there. I felt my emotions after blocking them for most of my life. Through out my childhood I acted tough, like I didn’t care but in reality I was deeply hurt just unaware. I grew up surrounded by hate and frustration. My parents hated each other. I was caught in the middle. I was emotionally abused and even physically. I was pissed. I didn’t grow up with a mother that I needed; I longed for the motherly love that I didn’t understand.

“Being made of stardust, you are much like a star. You shine with light, give warmth, and burn with inner fire. You don’t need outside energy. You are energy.”

My healing heart, made with rose quartz. I carried this crystal around everywhere.

Family has always been a hard topic for me. My parents got divorced when I was only one years old. I lived with my mom for 5 years with my 2 older brothers. My mom did her best but most of the time my oldest brother had to care for me and my other brother, mind you he was only 5-10 years old himself. We eventually moved in with my dad, step mom and her 2 kids. We had everything we needed growing up except the emotional tenderness you need as a young impressionable being. I used to be on edge walking about. The hair on the back of my neck would raise when my step mom walked into the room. I was always trying to be gone. I went out, I had a very “no fucks given” kind of attitude the last two years living with them. By that time all my other siblings have moved away. Once I graduated high school I left as well. I drove my car across country from Auburn Alabama to San Jose California.

My car and I traveling through Arizona on the way to San Jose. I was 18.

Anyhow this book, Emotional Detox, brought up all those feeling, all that hurt that I thought didn’t effect me. I didn’t allow myself to feel it and that was weighing me down. I had to release that in order to be free. I never realized till now how much it did all effect me, drastically.

Eventually the 4th of July came around and I was scheduled to go visit my dad, step mom and siblings. I was in the middle of my emotional detox and I wasn’t quite ready to confront my family individually to work out what has been weighing so heavily down on me. I needed to release these built up emotions. Most of the trip I tried to stay focused on my personal studies and daily habits I’ve adapted. What really troubled me was the fact that my family refused to acknowledge my growth and continued to treat me like the girl they thought I was as to the person I really am. They perceived me to be the total opposite of who I was becoming. It was infuriating! I got in many fights, trying to defend myself but I couldn’t take it. I had a panic attack. It was later in the evening so the sun was set and the moon was out. I ran down the street and started bailing in the middle of it and sank to my knees. I couldn’t breathe, my brother tired to come calm me but he was the one that set the last straw. I yelled at him to get away from me. I wanted to get away from all of them. I couldn’t breath, I felt weak and alone. My strength left me. Eventually my half sister came and ended up helping me calm down. She didn’t join our family again till after she was an adult. She lost contact with my dad and we never knew her till only 8 years ago. She was having a hard time as well. My dad refused to acknowledged the fact that we didn’t grow up in a very loving home. Yes we had everything we needed but not the love and support. The fact he was completely oblivious or in denial of all the pain we all went through, completely baffled me. He was suppressing his emotions like I did. I knew then that I only really could rely on myself. My mother on the other hand was very possessive and sensitive when it came to her kids. She thought we didn’t care for her because we went to see my dad and his side of the family instead of hers. I couldn’t make either of my parents happy. They both wanted so much. Mind you I’m the kid yet I have to be the adult. It was overwhelming, still is.

The book taught me to separate my self from those and things that do not serve me or are damaging to my self growth. I felt restricted living with my mother. I was over both side of parents. I was over family. I needed time away. When I got back to my moms we fought and about 2 weeks later I found a apartment and moved out. That is true empowerment. I was scared, but I know I had to do what was right for my mental state of mind. Or else I would have never been able to fully heal. Everything since then was to empower myself, to love myself. I got another job and I worked everyday almost. I got a membership at this new yoga studio that opened up in the tower district in Fresno. From then on I was prosperous.

Lots of self healing and heart opening during this time.

I went to yoga every day even multiple times a day, releasing it all. Unlocking emotions. I let my self dance, I went out dancing to free myself. I would be dancing and feel like I was in slow motion. The music just blaring in the back round and i’m dancing freely. I feel the music through every fiber of my being, it moves me. It was like I was in my own little movie. I felt empowered. The world around me didn’t matter, I was completely free and completely in my own world. It made me happy. I worked and worked, physically and emotionally. I felt good about where I was. I felt strong and empowered. I let my true self come through with love and acceptance.

Just dance, anywhere you have room, move your body and let the music flow through you.

Then my ex showed up and shook everything. Why is it so hard to let go of a person? I went into a low again. We went back and forth in that time, unsure of what to do with each other. I didn’t want to be with him yet I didn’t want to lose him. It was tearing me apart. But thats okay because that was something un resolved and after deep contemplation I cut it off. It took a lot to finally come to that decision but I asked to myself “how does he make you feel about yourself when you are around him”? The answer to that was I felt small and insecure around him, it was also stressful, it was taking too much of my energy. So that made me realize that I needed to make that decision and just let him go, move on. I did it after everything in my life seemed to be going out of whack. I was wrongfully terminated at my first job that was a very toxic environment, mind you. Following me totaling my car the next day. I was overwhelmed. By this time I was in the middle of this book called The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy, Ph.D.,D.D. I knew what I was doing to myself. I let the stress and anxiety of my past relationship take hold of me. I let the job that wasn’t serving me take my energy as well. I felt like I was not receiving what I earned. I felt disrespected and that was unbalancing. My body felt different, like I wasn’t in full control. I lost balance. My body was trying to tell me but I wasn’t listening. I was afraid to quit because I felt like they needed me. Same with my ex, I felt like he needed me and I couldn’t do that to him. I let them both take control over me even if I didn’t want it. I was weak in those moments. I put them above myself and it was hurting me.

I didn’t take control so the universe did. It got me out of that job that wasn’t serving me, it got me a new car when I was meaning to do it but haven’t. It opened my eyes up to the fact that I need to completely let my past relationship go and move on; follow my intuition and fully trust myself. I felt truly empowered. I took hold and I’m not letting go. I feel a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. Now I have a new car and I can go visit my friends that live out of town and I’m no longer stuck. I needed an escape and I got one. I needed to just be me without the constant worry of another and now I can be. I needed a healthy work environment and I got that as well. What I was seeking was seeking me. I continued my practice, picked myself up after a refreshing visit to my brothers down in Irvine to get my new car. I got to spend a day at the beach and totally re-centered myself. I do not just say I love myself I show myself. I allow my self to evolve and grow without judgement.

Coming into the new year with good intention, a clear mind and a level head. I am motivated and determined. I am already planning this next year out. More growth to come and more beautiful experiences to mold me. I am scheduled to go to Costa Rica in the fall of this year to be taught under 2 strong women and learn the art of yoga. I’m going to be receiving my 200hr yoga certification so I can deepen my practice and start teaching! My intentions for this year is to just experience as much as I can, go travel, work on my business plan and to inspire others. I’m moved again, to the Tower District. So many blessings arrived since I moved here. I am traveling to Peru with a group of yogis hosted through Tower Yoga. Its going to be a 10 day trip that will consist of yoga, meditation and adventure! Im going to visit Machu Pichu, one of the great wonders of the world. Going to attend Shakti and Bhakti Fest. I want to lead a meditation at those events too so lets hope for the best! Starting this blog and continuing my writing. So many good things have happened and are continuing to happen. My relationship with both my mothers are getting better. My Friendships are so genuine. Every connection I have blows me away. Since I’m in touch with my feelings and in tune with myself my relationships are so much richer. I am genuinely happy and excited for the future. I only see good things and learning experiences. I am constantly evolving. Im transcending into the being I’m meant to be. Into the being I alway was. Sometimes I feel as though I am straight up magic.

I realized how I was living my life in black and white to finally be living in color. Oh the beauty that has risen just from opening my heart.
Sabrina Plata

Going to move forward with the intention of love, peace and joy. This past year I have evolved. I evolved from a flower that is in need of constant watering to a rooted plant that seldom needs watering. Its time for me to take a step back and embrace all the growth I haver endured. I am vibrant like the sun that fills me with its light, I let that light shine through me in every way. This is true empowerment. The blessing you let yourself receive through truly knowing yourself is true acceptance and unconditional love. The better you feel the more you allow. My personal empowerment came from me wanting to make a difference. I strived to be better, I strived for success but never knew what I was meant to be successful in. I found myself and it opened up a whole world of possibilities. Through that I found my purpose. I felt motivated and determined. I lead mediations for a group of beautiful souls every week. I am helping them on their healing journey. The fact that I can make more then half the group cry during the mediations is truly beautiful. They are opening their hearts and diving deep within themselves, beginning their healing journey. I am so blessed that I can make that much of an influence and that is what I want to do for the whole world. Love is the root of everything. When you lack love you are lacking the potential to reach your true self, your higher self, your divinity.

I am so moved into myself, I have a deep connection with my divinity and I am so grateful. I welcome peace and joy into my heart. As well as I share that light for others to bask in.

I am now a strong confident success goddess sharing my light and influencing the world. I am free to be my most authentic self because I love myself too much to not be anything else. I am comfortable in my own skin. I would like to share a mantra I recite after every yoga practice and meditation. It reads: I am whole. I am thankful. I am eternal. I am fearless. And I am beautiful. You are all of those things. Say this mantra when ever you seems fit. It is truly powerful and so are you. Own your power beloveds.